How to deal with toxic behavior in relationships

There can be no change unless certainty becomes uncertain. - Salvador Minuchin

In recent columns we have discussed the benefits of friendships within and outside the confines of intimate relationships.

One of the major benefits within long-term, committed relationships is the development of friendships like we have never known but always wished for. Arriving at this deep friendship requires navigating the conflict that arises from the basic differences and unconscious motivations that we all bring to our primary relationships.

During these struggles in relationships, toxic behaviors such as criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling may appear.

Researcher John Gottman has a name for these four behaviors. "Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse" points to the potential damage they can inflict on relationships. We may all fall into one of these under stress.

If not addressed, these behaviors can poison the ground of wellbeing and good will in a relationship - producing a toxic relationship.

Then, even if you stay in the relationship, it will not be healthy for either person.

New research on the brain lends new credence to the statement that “that is a sick relationship.”

Not only is the relationship in trouble; that trouble can manifest itself as problems within our body.

In his book “Social Intelligence,” Daniel Coleman explains that the human brain responds during social activity.

In toxic relationships, emotional and social interactions that produce stress can activate the physiological process of the human brain and release increased levels of cortisol that, in turn, can affect the functioning of the human immune system.

While the effects of stress on the immune system is not a recent finding, mapping of social and emotional interactions affecting the physiological and endocrine systems of the human body is new.

This kind of research is providing affirmations to therapists who already deal with the body-mind connection and personal health.

We all develop glasses through which we view the world. In other words, our world view is shaped by our previous experiences.

The behaviors that we resort to under stress and conflict feel absolutely right and necessary. They are the ways we learned to take care of upsetting feelings as a child and to avoid ever allowing someone to make us feel that way again.

Whether it’s unsolicited criticism or one-upmanship or less obvious forms of toxicity such as co-dependency and enmeshment, these behaviors have the purpose of protecting us from feeling bad about ourselves, or feeling sad or scared.

Researcher and trainer Harville Hendrix explains that we are always trying to unconsciously work out our own issues in our relationships.

In his book, “Getting the Love you Want: A Guide for Couples, ” Hendrix masterfully details his theories of Imago, which translates as “ the adult stage of formation.”

Simply put, Imago theory states that, as adults, we find a match with a partner that will allow us to experience and heal old hurts and disappointments from our childhood.

That's why people often get involved in similar relationships time after time, even after an immense amount of trouble.

Unless addressed consciously and usually with therapeutic support, we will go around the same old patterns in each relationship. Unless addressed consciously, these relationships become toxic, not healing.

The concept that we are active participants in toxic relationships can seem foreign to people who are trapped in a painful cycle with a loved one or close friend.

The justification for participating in abusive relationships all too often falls under the guise of love or duty to a loved one.

When love produces pain or worry consistently, that is a good indicator that we may be involved in a toxic relationship. There is no justification for staying in an abusive relationship (emotional, physical or sexual). There are many resources designed to protect and help people who are in these types of relationships.

Exiting this type of dangerous relationship, although sometimes inconvenient or painful for the abused person, often is the first step in recovery and towards getting help.

This means that the person has to learn to stand in and for themselves - to set boundaries.

This often is confused with being selfish, which is not the case.

Standing in yourself refers to “differentiation” a term used in family therapy that refers to the degree people have the ability to think and act clearly on an emotional and intellectual level in the midst of influence by others.

It is important to note that there is no right or wrong in this ability - only normality defined within a continuum.

By removing judgments on how I’m thinking and feeling, I can get clear enough to find out what I need to negotiate with another person in relationship.

All of us are affected by the behaviors of others to some degree.

In the same way that positive energy affects us, negative energy also has ramifications. It is all in how we deal with it that defines us.

Some people choose to accept other people’s negative energy with tolerance and forgiveness while others choose to separate themselves, but never really deal with the trouble.

The latter is troublesome because it lends itself to repetition and continual perpetuation of different-but-same relationships.

There is another choice. The choice to discover what it is that makes us choose trouble or become trouble in our relationships.

Today, there are many ways to learn how to stop, heal and transform old, painful patterns and replace them with new, loving patterns.

At the end of the day, the choice to participate in toxic relationships is ours.

In literature as in love, we are often astonished by what is chosen by others. - Andre Maurois Ann Ladd, PhD, LCSW, and Chris Leeman, BS, HpT, offer a variety of classes and counseling for couples and individuals at The Connecting Place, 197 E. Industrial Blvd. This is one in a series of columns they are writing about relationships. You can reach them with questions to be answered in their columns by phone: 251-4006 (Ladd) or 251-9606 (Leeman), or online at www.theconnecting place.com.

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